When I started this blog I was struggling with three things: money, my weight and remembering that despite outside appearances I am beautiful. It's been almost two years since I started this blog and I would like to think that I am farther ahead now than I was two years ago. I can say we have a better handle on finances, although we definitely still struggle. Several credit cards have been paid off, some bills have been lowered, and we have a savings account. The account is small, but it's more than we had two years ago. I will post a blog about this another time.
I had an eye opening moment a couple days ago. I had to go to the doctor for a follow-up appointment. At the beginning of each appointment, I have to step on a scale. I am not sure what I was expecting...I haven't been actively trying to lose weight. I like to talk about putting an effort forth, but that's usually while I am shoveling food in my face and almost always includes the phrase "Tomorrow". I will start working out tomorrow. I will eat better tomorrow.Tomorrow I need to change.
Tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow.
Well, tomorrow came and I stepped on the scale to see the numbers: 302. My heart stopped. I felt like I was being strangled. Strangled by the extra person I am making my body carry. Strangled by the fat rolls that tumble over the waist of my pants. Strangled by the double chin that has formed on my neck.
I was shocked. I never saw myself hitting 300 lbs. But again, what did I expect? I don't take care of myself. I don't nourish my body with food that is good for me. I don't make an attempt to work out. I have a gym membership- was I hoping that this would just magically make me exercise? I just need to do it.
I wish I could preach fat acceptance and loving your body no matter what. I wish I could say that I love the way I look, but I am just ashamed. Ashamed that I let it get this far. I feel disgusted with myself because I have no self control. Seeing the numbers on the scale made me realize that I can't put it off any longer. I have to do something. I have to eat better. I have to work out, even if it means just walking 20 minutes three times a week to start. Something is better than what I am doing now.