I have been feeling blah lately. It's the classic depression sneaking in. I have gained a lot of weight over the past few years and I can't tell if that is what is causing the underlying depression, or if I just need to take my medication again.
I am not sure why I have this constant battle with myself. I take my medicine, then I wean myself off, then I decide to go back on. It is a constant back and forth battle. When will I just learn that I need to keep myself medicated?
My self-esteem is seriously in the toilet. I am self-conscious. I don't like, nor do I care, if I look nice anymore. I feel fat and disgusting. I wish I could embrace my fat and love myself despite it, but I can't help but look at my weight as failure. Failure to be healthy. Failure to keep the weight off that I had lost. Failure to keep the depression away. Failure to find a better way to reduce stress.
Seriously, I look terrible. I saw this picture and wanted to die. I'm oozing all over the place. Maybe this will be my motivation to do something!
Let's face it, I will never boast a fat acceptance mantra. What is preventing me from just getting off my ass and going to work out? Why can't I seem to embrace the healthy lifestyle I lived 5 years ago?